Welcome to our new website!
Welcome to our new website!
by Richard Hedd
Here is a really stupid story for any of you who have nothing better to do with your life. The rest of you can just enjoy the pretty pictures. Many people who have read this say it seems kind of made up. Here's a clue dumbass, if you read something on the internet it is 100% true. Do you think I have nothing better to do than sit around and make this sh!@# up?
Little Johnny grew up as a poor child in the deep South. His momma cleaned restaurant kitchens part-time, while his pops bussed tables at any eatery he could find a job. Though times were tough, little Johnny found himself surrounded by some of the best barbecue and southern cooks in the world. Instead of weed, Johnny got hooked on pulled pork and sweet barbecue sauce as far back as he could remember. Oh, wait a minute...this isn't the story of the middle-aged fat guy I'm supposed to be writing about. Just goes to show I shouldn’t be drinking this early in the morning. Let me try again.
John always had an interest in barbecue, even though for most of his life he couldn’t tell you what true barbecue really was. All he really knew was that eating it was damn good. He did not get to eat much traditional southern food when he was younger, so there remained this mysterious quality to true, homemade barbecue dishes. (What the f!@# would a hardcore German family know about traditional barbecue anyway?) The ribs, the sauces, the pulled pork, the bbq chicken, all made him feel so warm and fuzzy inside. Like many other low-intellectuals his age who thought marriage and kids were good ideas, John didn’t find much time for hobbies as he got older, except for beer drinking. He always found time for that.
But in the summer of ‘11, John finally decided to get off his ass (not an easy task considering the massive beer gut he grew over the years) and take a plunge into the world of barbecue once and for all. He digested all the books he could get his hands on, and found himself addicted to the Food Network (maybe a little too much of Giada De Laurentiis...hubba hubba), trying to learn the art of low and slow cooking.
He tried to learn as much as he could from other barbecue veterans on the internet, but somehow porn sites kept popping up, and distracted him from his barbecuing adventure. But John persevered, (note the use of such a big word in this stupid story), and eventually got his barbecue passion on track.
He bought his first smoker in July ’11 and went from watching guys on tv barbecuing, to doing this shit for himself. Because he is easily amused and excited, John thought this was pretty f!@#ing cool, (easily excited...take note ladies!). He spent many weekends over that summer smoking meat, drinking beer, and convincing his wife that he had to babysit the damn process all day long! It was all good.
But being the ass!@#$ that John is, he couldn’t just have a hobby and be happy keeping it to himself. He had to find a way to take a simple interest and make more of it than what it deserved. In a rare moment of positive brain activity, John came up with the idea to hold a backyard barbecue contest and drag all his relatives and friends into his new found passion, whether they wanted to or not.
(Editor’s Note: John insists that from this point of the story on, his actions are the fault of his wife Jill, who in her own moment of stupidity, encouraged John to do all of this. He also refers to her as “bitch” quite often, although he claims to love her very much.)
And so the inaugural Stuffed Buffalo Q Fest was held on August 9, 2011 at John and Jill’s home. (Another Editor’s Note: I’m so f!@#ing bored with this I wish I could just “yada, yada” my way through the rest of this shit.) The event included nine barbecue and grill teams who cooked for some 80 guests, live music, wine and beer tasting, and prize giveaways. All guests voted for their favorite foods of the day, and the first ever Stuffed Buffalo contest winners walked away with a lovely gift basket and beer mug trophy. By all accounts, the event was a big success and John was extremely happy. Hi ho.
Again, being the complete tool that John is, (see above paragraph) the success of Q Fest only fueled his delusional fantasies about how far he could take this whole barbecue obsession. Now at this point, Jill had a moment of clarity and refused to let John quit his job to just sit home and practice his smokey craft all day long. So John brooded over this for awhile and withheld sex from her for a few weeks until she had to relent and compromise a little on John’s crazy ideas. (That is so not true, but John insists that happened.) And so, the Stuffed Buffalo and Q Fest were officially a thing.
(Final Editor’s Note: Although I can’t prove this, I believe John is in therapy, heavily medicated at times, and unable to tell the difference between good ideas and really stupid ones.)